After working on a new vlog with my son, I realized something about myself that made me very self-conscious. Writing it out makes it seem somewhat simple and not important, but it was something that really caught me by surprise. One would imagine it to be something I had on or something I said, but it was neither of those. What I noticed about myself was that I smile–uncontrollably. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? Well it was a cause of concern for me. Each time I spoke a big smile emerged on my face. Some would wonder why I would see this as an issue. It’s just a smile, right? For me, it’s more than a smile; it’s an irregularity, an insecurity. It doesn’t seem “normal.”
As I watched myself on the camera I started to dislike the person I was looking at. I quickly turned it off, and I immediately felt a sense of disgust. Yes, I was disgusted at myself.
I’ve always dealt with several “irregularities” about myself that I felt were not “normal.” Honestly, the whole idea of being normal is overrated and superficial. In my sixth book, Suffering in Silence, I wrote an entire chapter about the pursuit of being “normal.” Here’s a little of what I wrote:
“I was chasing after an image that was not real or attainable mainly because it was a figment of my imagination. I formed my idea of what was normal from what I saw on television and the people around me.” “I was trying to chase after this perfect image while ignoring the perfection of how I was created. I was so dissatisfied with myself that I never looked in the mirror to accept who God created me to be.”
Those are beautiful words, but I must admit that I still struggle with the man I am today and the man God has called me to become. I still judge myself by my insecurities, and I sometimes doubt whether or not God chose the right vessel. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? It’s very silly. Who am I to challenge what God chooses to do on the basis of my insecurities? You should probably ask yourself that same question.
I ask that you join me in putting aside your insecurities once and for all for the sake of obedience. I wonder how many people have hesitated to obey God because of their insecurities. I don’t have to search very far to convict someone of that sin because I am a culprit. I have absolutely no rocks to throw at anyone else. Yes, I smile uncontrollably. I have many things about myself that separates me from the masses, but I’ve learned that value isn’t found when everything is similar. It’s found in the beauty of what’s different and unique. Embrace the unique qualities about you that are beyond your control. End your quest for being normal, and don’t allow your insecurities to cause you to hide the light that’s been lit inside of you by Christ. Let’s continue to discipline our bodies, renew our minds, humble ourselves, and receive discipline from the Holy God. Embrace the beauty of God’s creation, and let’s obey His word and promptings immediately.
Stay focused on the narrow path. Eternity is a heartbeat away.